I Hate You
by angelcorrupted
Summary: You want to know something, Mello? I hated you. I hated you with every fiber of my being for doing this to me. Songfic; My Immortal by Evanescence. Rated for Matt's colorful language. MxM


If I owned Death Note, L, Matt, and Mello would still be alive. Are they? I didn't think so, therefore Death Note is not mine. The lyrics belong to Evanescence. Read and reviw, pleaseee.

* * *

_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears _

You told me you came back for me at the orphanage a while after you left, but I was gone. Goddammit Mello, it had been five years! You didn't think I'd leave that place?! The place filled with the painful memories of you?! I left six months after you, not like you care. I told you the fucking day before you left that my biggest fear was that you'd leave me. Did you really leave all because of Near, or were you trying to get away from me as well? I don't think I'll never know with you.

_And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone _

You were everywhere after you left; I never stopped seeing you. Damn it, Mello, I was going insane! I saw a bunch of little Mello clones everywhere I went for the next year! I could swear that I'd hear you whisper in my ear whenever the wind passed through the trees, I could swear I felt your presence when it really was just some kid asking to borrow my PSP or my DS. I could even hear your snickering as I snapped rejection in their face. Do you see, Mello? You could leave me and think you were gone forever, but you weren't. I wished the ghost of you would just leave me alone. I didn't want to be reminded of you.

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real _

_There's just too much that time cannot erase _

Every single person, even those who had only seen me for a split second, could tell the difference in me after you left. My face had no color, my "sparkling" green eyes went dull, and I always looked around franticly, obviously searching for you. I was lost, and I couldn't breathe from the constricting pain in my chest. You want to know something, Mello? I hated you. I hated you with every fiber of my being for doing this to me, for leaving me, for obviously thinking about me as just some chocolate wrapper you could throw anywhere and leave.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years _

You didn't cry often, I know that. But I knew when you were on the verge of it, and that's when I held you. You told me about watching the arsonist set your house on fire as you were walking back from a friend's house, and then you sobbed. I didn't laugh and call you a pansy ass like you did when I cried. No, I couldn't bring myself to. I consoled you, feeble attempts at best to make you calm down. When you got scared of a thunderstorm because of the lightning, I let you put me at risk of getting in trouble by Roger because you weren't supposed to be in my room and I let you sleep in my bed with me, or while I slept on the floor. I held your hand when you wanted me to, either out of affection or out of comfort. Damn it Mello, I cared for you! I cared for you like a good friend was supposed to, and look what you did to me!

_But you still have all of me_

But I couldn't shrug your face out of my head as I sulked through the halls, because I knew that if you called me and I heard, I'd come running. You needed me, I'd leave the institution quickly. Do you see the hold you had on me?! It drove me crazy, knowing that I'd ignore all the pain you caused me if I saw you again, that I'd help you out. Why? Because I was fully aware that you didn't deserve my help. You didn't deserve me caring for you after that. But. I. Still. Would.

_You used to captivate me  
By your resonating life  
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind _

You were out there, I knew it. I don't know what I'd say to you if I ever saw you, whether I'd call you a fucking bastard and hit you, or sob and cry out in happiness, despite knowing I'd never see you again. I relive our happy memories every day, Mello, even though you're right here next to me. Looking at you hurts; it brings back those horrible memories. That's why I don't look at you for long, that's why I'm never in the same room for long. This is what you forced me into, you bastard! A lifeless shell!

_Your face it haunts  
My once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me _

I remember the soft, affectionate look that you wore the night before you left, when I told you not to leave. You told me you wouldn't leave me, ever. That haunts my dreams, turns them into nightmares. Fuck, Mello. I never thought you'd lie to me! Especially as harsh at that lie.. then come back and expect everything to be okay.

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase _

I still have that burning pain running in my veins. Actually, I don't think it's ever ceased it's intensity, either staying the same or gaining strength. I don't know why I'm explaining this to you, you ungrateful son of a bitch, but I need to ask you this. Was every touch, every kiss, every loving word spoken to me a lie? Am I really that worthless to you? Am I really that easily forgotten?

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along _

For five goddamn years, Mello, I told myself I'd never see you. I convinced myself thoroughly, even. First, you beg me to help you over the phone, and I come running. After your burn healed, I was preparing to leave. Your presence hurt, Mello, but I told you that already. You caught me just as I was backing away from the apartment complex, a mix of confusion and anger on your face. I told you I was leaving, and you told me no. That I'd stay. It was almost like a command from dog owner to dog, and I was the dog. I stayed with you, and endured the pain. I'm still enduring it, talking to you now.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years_

When we got back inside, do you remember what happened? You collapsed on the floor, crying steadily, not heavily. It shocked me. I thought you were going to punch me for trying to run away from you, and to have you crying was unreal. It wasn't like you. I wiped your tears away, though, because you were simply you. And I was simply me. I let you hold my hand for support, why I'm still trying to figure out. I didn't want to, Mello, I didn't want to touch you. It burned. Everything about you hurt because I knew you were capable of leaving again, that you had made my worst fear come true, and you could do it again!

_But you still have all of me_

You promise every day though that you won't do it, and I half believe you. If you leave again, I know that if you call for me, I'll be there as soon as I possibly can be. I'm miserable with you, Mello, but I'll die if I don't have you. You're necessary for my survival, apparently. You have all of me, and you know that. I know that I hate you, and I want you to go fuck yourself, but I also know something else. I know that I love you, and that I want you forever.


End file.
